Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
