The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
