Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I am available for nakedness
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
