I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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