you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
