the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
