Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
