My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
