Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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