She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
