I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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