I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
