my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
