I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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