all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
