I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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