Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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