You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I deserve this hangover.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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