I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
