I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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