last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
