One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
