We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
