This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
