You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
