I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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