Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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