I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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