Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
