I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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