just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
