I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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