You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
