My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
