Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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