3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
