How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
