Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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