you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
