her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
