There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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