So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
