He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
