I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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