If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
