Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
