i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
