I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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