why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
