I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
