I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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