I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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