can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
