my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I AM VODKA MAN
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
