I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
