I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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