shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
