If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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