I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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