I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
