At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
