I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
3pm strippers are depressing
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
