I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
