Four minutes until I can fart!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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