You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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