I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
