Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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